MAAAAAAAMAAAAA!!!
As my daughter nears the 18-month mark, I am truly beginning to understand the extent of my impatience, perhaps because my daughter tests it everyday with her incessant whining. While my lovely offspring spends most of the day being ridiculously cute, she spends the rest of the time calling for me in a curdling cry, “MAAAAMAAAA” with no rational cause. Sometimes, a simple distraction will send her on her way, other times, a hug, but then there are the times when nothing will appease her. I shake my arms vehemently with insane rage pretending she is between them, before gently kneeling beside her and stroking her head. How can a little two foot person be both my reason for living and my reason for wanting to overdose on heroin?
I looked on the Internet for some advice. Everything I read suggested that I model the behavior I want my daughter to mimic and remain calm. Good advice. It is a completely satisfactory reaction in almost all cases, stay calm. Not that it will bring any particular result, there is no hope for consistency when it comes to toddlers, but it will pay off in the long run when you end up with the mythical well-adjusted and socially well-mannered child. Fine. But what about when being calm makes you feel like the dance hall rug at a midgets’ convention and you just need some way to react, to get it out? Well, I have experimented on my child for the betterment of the common good and here are the tactics to increased sanity that worked the best. It goes unsaid that results will vary.
1. Yell back. Not in a mean way, of course. I just mean, mimic your child’s behavior back to them. On an adult, this may result in a moment of self-reflection that causes them to rethink their reactions. But on a toddler, it usually results in a sudden moment of being startled that stops them in their tracks or, more likely, hilarity. They think it’s a game and stop crying long enough to laugh. This also allows you to scream, which feels really good.
2. Throw them outside. This was suggested to me by a friend and seems to work. Once outside, the mud and birds become the center of their focus, not you and you’re off the hook for a while. Plus, they get some fresh air.
3. Put food in their face hole. This is my favorite method as it both nourishes your child and shuts them up at the same time. It has the added benefit of also solving the problem as you’re child is most likely acting out because they’re hungry. Think about how you act after a day of running errands without eating anything… better yet, ask your husband.
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